How Love Changes in Long-Term Committed Relationships

Introduction

The progression of committed romantic relationships is a notable topic of interest for psychologists and sociologists. As this literature review demonstrates, changes in behaviors, attitudes, and feelings tend to accompany the growth of a committed relationship over time. Issues that threaten the relationship — such as a decline in physical intimacy, poor communication, conflict, and a misalignment of perceptions — can all serve to diminish feelings of love as these problems persist.

A decline in physical intimacy is one of the most common indicators that a romantic relationship is in decline. According to Regan (2004), psychological research has demonstrated a strong correlation between sexual activity and feelings of love in couples who have committed to one another either through marriage or cohabitation. When sexual activity begins to fade, the chances of the relationship dissipating — or at the very least, a dissipation of the feelings of love on behalf of the individuals involved — are likely to increase.

Other indicators of disengagement in loving, committed relationships revealed in the literature include poor communication and an inability to effectively handle conflict. Vangelisti and Crumley (1998) emphasize the importance of non-hurtful communication in romantic relationships, asserting that disassociation on the part of one partner can be even more damaging to the relationship than verbal insults.

The literature additionally demonstrates that a misalignment of perceptions — or in colloquial terms, "he said/she said" situations — are primary indicators that a relationship is disintegrating. In fact, one of the things that couples disagree most about is exactly what the turning point was that caused their relationship to fail (Baxter & Bullis, 1986). Each of these indicators is discussed at greater length in the sections below.

For the purposes of this paper, committed relationship is defined as engagement, cohabitation, or marriage. The purpose of this literature review is to examine how and why feelings and behaviors tend to change in couples who have committed themselves to monogamous, long-term relationships. This topic is reviewed from a psychological viewpoint, with a specific focus on the psychosocial contributors to the changing nature of love in committed relationships.

The Significance of Sexuality and Passion

One of the most common behavioral changes that occurs in long-term, committed relationships is a decrease in sexual activity (Acker & Davis, 1992; Henderson-King & Veroff, 1994). According to Regan (2004), "research conducted with individuals involved in ongoing romantic relationships…supports the association between sexual desire and passionate love" (p. 120). When couples are able to keep their passion and sexual desire for one another at an intense level, they are more likely to keep their feelings of love alive as well (Kumar & Dhyani, 1996).

Christopher and Sprecher (2000), who reviewed a decade's worth of studies on intimacy, report that numerous studies have revealed that the feelings of love an individual has for his or her committed partner are significantly reliant upon both the amount of sexual intimacy and the perceived quality of that intimacy. However, studies also show that "sexual intimacy has been found to be a weaker predictor of love or of general relationship quality than have other forms of intimacy, including degree of affection expressed…and supportive communication" (p. 1000).

This raises the question: does romantic love always have to include a sexual relationship to be considered genuine romantic love? Romantic love has been defined in numerous ways in the psychological literature. Amato (2007) asserts that "romantic love is a strong emotional bond with another person that involves sexual desire, a longing to be with the person, a preference to put the other person's interests ahead of one's own, and a willingness to forgive the other person's transgressions" (p. 306). While sexual desire is the first item in this definition, other important aspects of personal intimacy are included as well. This seems to indicate that while sexual intimacy in committed relationships is important, it is not all-encompassing. Other factors, such as communication, can also affect feelings of love and the behaviors exhibited in a committed relationship.

The Importance of Communication

Couples in intimate relationships have long had difficulty communicating successfully. Many find that these problems are rooted in innate differences between men and women. Dr. John Gray, author of the bestselling book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, believes that "men and women differ in all areas of their lives. Not only do men and women communicate differently, but they think, feel, perceive, react, respond, love, need, and appreciate differently. They almost seem to be from different planets, speaking different languages and needing different nourishment" (1992, p. 5).

While gender differences are certainly a partial explanation for communication problems in relationships, to say this is the only factor would imply that same-sex couples are immune to miscommunication — which is obviously not the case. There are in fact a variety of factors that contribute to a lack of effective communication and problem-solving abilities in interpersonal relationships.

The literature reveals a multitude of information about the etiology and outcomes of hurtful communications. Vangelisti and Crumley (1998) assert that hurtful behaviors and negative communications between individuals can be categorized as either "acquiescent," "invulnerable," or "active verbal." If the interaction is "acquiescent," it is non-confrontational but subtly hurtful. If the interaction falls into the "invulnerable" category, the individual is likely to put up defenses that minimize the hurt. Finally, if the interaction is classified as "active verbal," it is confrontational to the point of aggression, seeming almost like an attack. Understanding these interpersonal communication patterns is essential to diagnosing where a relationship's dialogue has broken down.

Conclusion

This literature review has demonstrated that committed romantic relationships are not always as committed or romantic as they were originally when invasive and destructive factors threaten the loving feelings involved. Indicators of turning points in relationships can range from the gradual and vague to the momentary and specific, but generally, issues of sexuality, communication, conflict, and mismatched perceptions are involved in the decline of a committed romantic relationship.

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