This paper outlines a research-based approach for parents seeking to raise emotionally competent children. Drawing on Gottman and Declaire's five-step emotional coaching framework, it explains how parents can identify children's emotions, approach emotional situations as teaching opportunities, validate feelings empathetically, help children articulate their emotions verbally, and collaboratively solve problems within appropriate boundaries. The paper also presents ten practical supplementary tips for fostering emotional intelligence at home. Emphasis is placed on the parent's role as both coach and model of healthy emotional behavior, beginning from birth and continuing through everyday family interactions.
Children learn basic emotional skills from relatives, neighbors, and peers, but by far the most important role in a child's emotional development is that of his or her parents. Parents have the unique responsibility of providing guidance and instruction to facilitate healthy emotional development from the time a child is born. Thus, parents should be proactive in coaching their children to appropriately handle a wide variety of feelings and emotions. Moreover, parents should lead by example, modeling emotionally healthy interactions — both with each other and with their children — on an ongoing basis, particularly when family conflict arises (Gottman & Declaire, pp. 15–16).
Emotional intelligence in children does not develop in a vacuum. It is shaped by consistent, deliberate engagement from the adults closest to them. Research supports the view that parents who actively coach emotional responses raise children who are better equipped to manage stress, resolve conflict, and form healthy relationships throughout their lives.
Research has shown support for a five-step process to effectively instill emotional intelligence in children. Gottman and Declaire (1998) state that the following five-step approach should be applied at the moment an emotional challenge arises. Each step builds on the last, creating a structured yet compassionate framework for guiding children through difficult feelings.
In order to raise an emotionally competent child, it is first necessary to become aware of the child's emotions. Only upon identifying what the child is feeling can a parent help him or her respond accordingly. This entails being in tune with the child's behaviors, including both verbal and non-verbal cues.
It is important to truly get to know your child and develop intimacy if she is going to be receptive to parental coaching. Rather than arguing with or ignoring what may appear to be irrational emotions, take the time to develop a meaningful connection. Viewing the situation as a teaching moment will lessen parental anxiety and allow the problem to be broken down constructively.
A parent's validation of what the child is feeling helps the child accept his own feelings, which is a necessary precursor to resolving them. When people — particularly children — feel that their emotions are being understood and accepted, those feelings lose their intensity and begin to subside. This validation is not synonymous with endorsing the emotions; it is simply acknowledging their existence in order to move forward. It also means resisting the urge to erase or dismiss unpleasant emotions.
When a child talks about what he is feeling and why, he acquires insight into himself and can begin to think critically about solutions on his own. Being guided to find words to describe his emotions promotes mental processing, reasoning, and a calming of emotional intensity. Furthermore, by talking through feelings out loud, the child learns to soothe himself rather than relying solely on the parent to do so. This kind of self-regulation is a foundational skill for long-term emotional health.
Children should learn that they can — and should — make constructive choices about how to react to their feelings and how to proceed in light of them. Parents should engage in dialogue with the child about how to address the issue, first giving the child the opportunity to come up with his own solutions rather than presenting answers up front. A parent should not try to solve the child's emotional problem for him; the child should develop independent coping mechanisms. However, the parent can guide the discussion, and parent and child can brainstorm solutions together. Boundaries should be imposed when the child is acting out emotions or overreacting — for example, by throwing temper tantrums or refusing to attempt any method of moving forward (Gottman & Declaire, p. 24; Markham).
"Supplementary parenting tips for emotional competence"
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