Communication and gender roles in social interaction

Gender & Communication

An Observation of Public Gender Interactions

Over the 4th of July weekend I went with my family to our summer home on the lake in a wooded area. The community there has only about 150 locals who stay year round, but in the summer about 1500 summer residents. The night after we arrived, we went to a little country bar that was built in the 1940s from a Sears-Roebuck kit, set in the woods on a small lake. The inside is knotty pine, dimly lit, and cozy. Three walls are covered with a collection of antique license plates. A sign over the door says "You don't need to talk about yourself -- we'll do that for you after you leave." The fourth wall has windows looking out to the lake and old cast iron traps and snow gear hanging from the ceiling. A juke box fills one corner and features old country music like Patsy Cline and Conrad Twitty songs. Next to it is a stuffed bob cat in a glass case. Along the front wall an antique shuffle board stretches the length of the room.

My attention was drawn to two couples I'll call Caroline and Paul, and Roseanne and Doug. They are older people, locals, about the same age as my grandparents. I chose them to observe because I thought they would be more likely to enact traditional gender communication styles and because it looked like they were going to spend the whole evening there together, so I could observe them over a period of hours. Neither couple was drinking alcohol, so I thought that was an advantage as far as seeing them in a natural state. Although they didn't stay as long as I thought they would, they were still a good choice because the men decided to play shuffleboard, and I got to see them communicate with each other. The women decided to have a game of Yahtzee so I was able to watch them as they communicated with each other. Afterwards, the men joined the women and that was interesting to observe as well.

A noted that the men talked only about the game they were playing. They were very absorbed in winning. Paul said, "Take that! Now I gotcha." Doug responded with "Don't get your hopes up. I'm not dead yet." When they "missed," they made excuses for why the puck didn't go where they wanted -- the board was faster than usual, or there was a sticky spot on one end. Men don't like to be seen as weak, even in a game, so they find reasons outside of themselves when things don't go well. They spoke rather loudly (the whole length of the shuffleboard was often between them), and they gestured with their arms when they spoke. Both men stood "at ease" with legs far apart as they waited for the other to play, thus taking up more space than a woman would.

Meanwhile, the women played Yahtzee at the table and talked quietly -- except when one of them rolled a yahtzee (five dice all the same number). When this happened, they sang out, "Yahtzee! Yahtzee, yahtsee, yahtsee!" The second part was sung in a sing-song like "Na-na-nah-na-na-na..." that kids sing when they tease other kids. When this occurred, Doug would call out, "Now, now...don't get too loud." Women are not supposed to be loud (but it was all right for the men). In general, Caroline and Roseanne were not interested in the game they played. It seemed to me that the game was just an excuse to talk and socialize with each other, and they didn't care who won. They wanted to maintain and strengthen their relationship.

They had barely started their game when Roseanne said, "I'm upset today." Caroline immediately put down the dice she had been rolling and made eye contact with Roseanne. Roseanne said her son Sean had left his wife and come home to live. Caroline said, "Oh, my. What happened?" As the story unfolded, Caroline asked astute questions. Sean's wife, it seems, has a teenage daughter named Brandy who resents Sean. When Sean told Brandy to turn her music down, she called him an *****ing *****. This was in front of her friends. He took hold of her wrist and told her that was no way to talk. Brandy then went to her mother and reported that Sean had hit her. The mother believed the daughter, got very angry, and knocked Sean down the stairs. Then, she called the police and got a restraining order against Sean. He had to leave. He moved home with his mother for at least six months. Roseanne described Sean's bruises from being pushed down the stairs. The two women agreed that Sean, with no history of violent behavior, isn't the type to hit a woman. Caroline said if a fifteen-year-old girl called her that name, she'd "smack her one." Roseanne brightened up, "It'd be worth it to sit in jail for a few days, just for the chance to knock that little ***** on her ass."

Throughout this exchange the women maintained eye contact. Caroline leaned forward, listened, asked questions, and made supportive remarks. They kept their voices low. It was like a classic example of feminine communication style aimed at intimacy and connection, what Tannen (1990) describes as "where individuals negotiate complex networks of friendship, minimize differences, try to reach consensus, and avoid the appearance of superiority, which would highlight differences" "p. 26) the women talked face-to-face about something personal and important to them and expressed their feelings to each other. Afterwards, Roseanne appeared to feel better. She and Caroline resumed the game but continued to mull over whether or not the wife had been happy before this incident with her daughter occurred. Of course, Doug did not mention the event to Paul. It would violate masculine communication style if he mentioned a family problem with emotional overtones and no real solution. It would make him appear vulnerable.

The two men finished their game, returned to the table, and sat side by side. Caroline asked who had won. Doug said he won. The two men then discussed some of the details of the game, what went wrong, and the turning point. They did not make eye contact because of the way they were seated. The women did not mention what they had been talking about. Doug asked who had won Yahtzee, but the women didn't know. They consulted their score cards, and Roseanne had won. Then Paul told Doug about a mechanical problem he'd had with his lawn mower and how he finally solved it by modifying a part to make it work. This story was typical of masculine communication style in which men are obligated to show themselves as competent problem-solvers and men of action. Roseanne then announced that she had to get up at 5:30 the next morning to go to work at the hospital. Doug said to Paul, "Well, time to go. Gotta keep these girls bringing in the money." He rubbed his thumb against his three fingers in a gesture of "feeling" money. He said it like he was joking, but also like it was his idea for her to work. He pretends it's his idea for her to work. It implies he has control. He also used the word girls which made Roseanne smaller somehow. Roseanne looked annoyed and made a face to Caroline who nodded slightly like she understood how Roseanne felt. I think a younger man might feel the need, but in Doug's "day," the man was expected to be the bread winner, and women were supposed to stay home. The comment also reflects framing as discussed in Tannen (1997): "Sociologist Erving Goffman uses the term alignment... If you put me down, you are taking a superior alignment with respect to me" (p. 33). Doug frames himself as master of his household and a superior bread winner.

Masculine and feminine communication styles were very clearly seen in this exchange as well as gender-specific roles. The women couldn't decide it was time to go home -- it had to be the men's idea. The man is supposed to be the leader and head of the family and show decisiveness. Both their verbal and non-verbal communication supported this. Women "make suggestions." When Roseanne said she had to get up at 5:30 in the morning for work, she was suggesting that Doug decide to go home. Thus, women contribute to their own subservience. it's hard to break old habits, especially when they involve basic socialization learned in childhood and still sanctioned by society.

Why I Broke Up with Philip (Relational Communication) met Philip at a party, and we hit it off right away. He told me he was a librarian, and it turned out we had read a lot of the same books. He liked to talk, and he didn't have to be center stage. You could have a conversation with him with give and take. At the end of the party he took a card out of his wallet and gave it to me. He said, "Here, I'll give you my phone number. If you'd like to call me up, I'd love to hear from you." called him two days later and we made a date. Turned out he didn't drive so I had to pick him up. Since I had called him and I was going to be the driver, I bought a small bouquet of flowers and brought them to him. It was fun to reverse roles. Philip was the only man I ever met who didn't have a driver's license. He said he didn't want or need to drive. He liked taking buses and having his friends drive him places.

Dinner was a success. He paid for everything in the traditional manner. Philip told me he was a feminist. He had never been married.

He was almost 10 years younger than me, but I thought, I don't have to be limited by outdated ideas about the man being older. The first time we made love, afterwards he asked, "Could you tell that I wasn't very experienced?" Out of concern for his male ego, I said no, but it wasn't true. This was typical feminine style to be concerned about the other's feelings and try to help the man save face. I had quickly discovered that he was a virgin when he didn't know how to proceed. It seemed rather touching at the time. And he did learn quickly how to make me happy -- he was a good lover.

One weekend, Philip thought it would be nice if I'd come to his apartment and visit. His apartment overlooked the park -- an old building with big rooms, high ceilings, oak floors, and lots of windows. He even had a fire place. But it was incredibly dirty. The bathroom was nasty. The kitchen was a horror with overflowing garbage, lots of dirty dishes, and greasy pans. The bedroom reeked with dirty clothes, rank sheets, and underwear on the floor. Philip said he wasn't into cleaning -- he hired someone (a woman, of course) to come in every few weeks and clean it up and do the laundry.

He said, "I can afford to hire help. So why should I clean?" I said, "What about me?

I can't afford to hire somebody." He said, "That's different. You're a woman. You're used to it." was looking for a mate, someone to help me raise children. This incident raised serious doubts about the "help" part. If I married him, I'd probably be taking on a lot of extra work because he didn't think he should have to do housework. When Philip took me to meet his mother, we had barely been introduced when he said to her, "We're hungry, Ma. Make us some breakfast, would you?" like she was a servant or something.

And she did immediately go to work on a meal. While she was cooking, Philip got out his OZ books to show me. Later that day we took a trip up north. I drove nearly 100 miles out of the way because Philip, who was supposed to be navigator, had misread the map. I was furious. Men are supposed to be competent map readers.

The final incident occurred in February when Philip got the flu. He went to his mother's to stay so she could take care of him. I went over to see him -- he was on the couch in his pajamas, a tray beside his bed. His mother said to me, "If you were me, would you take him to the doctor? He doesn't seem to be getting better." I said, "I'd wait a day or two more. It takes about a week to get over the flu, doesn't it?" She said, "The thing is, I'll have to take time off work to drive him there, and I'll lose my pay." Philip spoke up at that point and said, "Well, I'm worth it," in a baby voice. I didn't tell him then because he was sick, but I knew our relationship was over. I owed him some money, so I wrote a check right then and gave it to him.

A week later when I broke it off with him, he said, "I thought that check had bad vibrations."

Philip was a heterosexual male with a feminine orientation -- but not completely. His communication habits were egalitarian. He liked to sit and talk and was a supportive listener. He didn't exhibit competitiveness or a need to dominate, and since he didn't know how to drive a car, he didn't feel the need to exhibit self-sufficiency or autonomy. Perhaps during his socialization as a child, his mother rewarded his interpersonal and social skills and punished him for straying too far from home. He was not adventurous and didn't want space. His idea of "doing something together" was to each read a book and share at intervals what we were reading. He apparently didn't think it unmanly to need others, as he showed by going home to his mother when he got the flu.

On the other hand, his ideas about cleaning, laundry, cooking and sharing responsibility for the household were more traditionally male -- except he didn't take out the garbage, either, or cut the grass, wash the car, or fix the washing machine -- jobs men are usually willing to do because they fit with a masculine orientation.

It's funny, but during the entire time I was going with him, I had this internal dialogue going on with my sister. She is older than I and very influential. In my mind I would describe him and his behavior to her. I had always thought of a man as someone who brought home groceries and made the children behave, someone who would drive me places and pick me up from work, someone who would go rent a roto-rooter when the plumbing backed up in the basement and find another male to help him clear the pipes. Philip was much more relationally oriented rather than action-oriented or "instrumental." On one hand, it was refreshing to be around an affectionate male willing to share his feelings, who liked to sit around and talk, who wasn't always lording it over me or giving me advice, but he didn't seem to have the corresponding feminine sense of responsibility for the well-being of others. He also didn't have the masculine penchant for doing things that help a woman. I put my own windshield wipers on the car. I raked my own yard. When Philip responded like a dependant child to his mother's concern about losing her pay, ("I'm worth it") I knew I wanted a more masculine man than he was ever going to be. I wanted a man who knew how to do "man" things, somebody who could fix the car and tell the children, "Behave, now," and "Help your mother."

Gender and Media Communication

Judging Amy is a program that features a main character Amy in a non-traditional job as a Judge. However, her position as Judge is about the only thing that is non-traditional. In all other ways, Amy is the image of the ideal traditional woman. Amy is beautiful, young, and compassionate. She has a boyfriend whom she pleases and is sexually desirable. Her non-traditional job as a Judge is tempered by being a juvenile judge. Thus, she works with children, a traditional arena for women.

Amy can be very assertive when it comes to defending children. In one scene I watched she was being interviewed on a television news talk show. She debated a corrupt politician who was running for office on the issue of trying children as adults for their crimes. The male politician was pictured as exploiting the issue in order to make a name for himself and get elected. He didn't care about children at all. Amy talks about her knowledge of children as human beings whom she relates to every day eye-to-eye. She tells off the politician and calls him a "self-seeking demagogue."

The next scene is for contrast in this character who combines traditional and non-traditional images of gender. Amy behaved in a masculine fashion in the preceding scene, so now she has to be portrayed as a "real woman," that is, feminine and desirable. In this scene she is in bed with her boyfriend. They are sitting up side by side and Amy is reading the newspaper. The boyfriend is expressing his concerns about depending on her for support (because he is a writer who hasn't quite "made it" yet). He is a "real man" in the sense that he wants to be a success, and his concerns about the fact that he hasn't made it yet while she's working "her butt off" are masculine concerns. Depending on a woman for support is not part of the masculine orientation. Amy exhibits superior interpersonal skills and sensitivity as she reassures him that she believes in him and that traditional roles can be transcended temporarily. He then shows he is indeed a real man by initiating sex with her. When the lights dim, they are under the covers in each other's arms. In the past it was believed (and a frequent topic of discussion in the media) that if a woman was allowed to fill a "man's job," she would lose her femininity. Perhaps that belief still hangs on, which is why the media takes such pains to address it: Amy is still a woman even though she does a man's job. This scene contradicts the theme that women are caregivers and men are breadwinners -- but only temporarily.