The Church's role in building a forgiving community

¶ … Church as a Forgiving Community

One Page Summary

The article by Magnuson and Enright points out that "empirical studies" have proven that when a person is forgiven, or honestly seeks forgiveness, this act helps that person's self-esteem and decreases depression, anger, and anxiety. The article goes on to review the history of forgiveness in religion, and it illustrates the benefits of one person forgiving another person. On page 115 the authors are talking about an intervention that is also called restorative justice, where the offender and the victim come together and the offender is able to see and hear how the other was hurt. This is a wonderful model to follow, but the authors understand that if you don't teach children the value of forgiveness, a whole generation of people will not follow this path.

Forgiveness is not going to work until the individual reduced the anger and has "committed to forgive" (117). One must decide to forgive, first, and for the person receiving forgiveness (in the Church context) that person is in a way at the mercy of the victim although the authors point out that demanding forgiveness is not part of the process. The person forgiving the other person should recollect how he or she also offended or harmed another person, and realize we're all subject to mistakes and flaws. On page 118 the pastor is seen as the leader in any intervention involving forgiveness. The pastor must preach sermons (at least 5 annually) on the importance of forgiveness and must educate the church staff as well. The article mentions some of the actors who must play a role in a "Forgiving Community": lay volunteers, singles, married couples and families, the music minister, children's minister, and youth minister -- all must be educated, trained, and must practice the art of forgiveness.

The authors assert (p. 121) that the education of all those groups and individuals mentioned in the paragraph above must take place for fifteen weeks each year. This is taking forgiveness very seriously, but that is the only way it will work, the authors explain.

Application

I am a pastor and I have noticed that a young couple (whose marriage I officiated) are not attending church regularly. In fact, the wife in that marriage attends once a month (alone), and she seems distressed. After our regular Sunday service I reach out to her and ask to speak with her for a few minutes. I learn that she and her husband are in the midst of a marriage crisis. She has discovered that her husband spends time emailing and texting with an old girlfriend, and when confronted, he gets very angry and insists that he is true to his wife and he's just "staying in touch" with an "old friend."

But the reality is that they are considering a temporary separation because they fight all the time and whenever the husband is using the computer, the wife is jealous and suspicious because he might be interacting with that old girlfriend. So I call the husband and ask him if he would be willing to come in and, with his wife, discuss their problems some evening after work. He agrees. When they arrive, I serve coffee and cookies and I don't try to impose a solution on them but rather I let each of them talk. The husband denies that he is involved in an affair; he insists he loves his wife and he seems believable. The wife admits she may be over-reacting and that he has never lied to her before. I ask them if they would be willing to come back and meet with a licensed marriage counselor that is a member of the Church. They agree to that idea and after a session with the marriage counselor, I invite the husband to come alone for a walk near the Church flower garden with me.

I stress the need to apologize to his wife for causing her stress, and I ask him to ask his wife for forgiveness the next meeting we schedule. He cries, knowing that he shouldn't have been involved in any communication with an ex-girlfriend, and when the two of them come for a third meeting with me he asks his wife to forgive him and promises to stop interacting digitally with an old girlfriend. The wife forgives him, they embrace and tears flow from each of their eyes. I can't be sure that he will keep his promise, but since he did receive forgiveness from the person who means the most in his life, his beautiful wife, and he comes back to church with his wife every Sunday, I feel that I have made a positive difference for this young couple.