Comparative analysis and contrast methods

¶ … Listening and Talking: Comparing and Contrasting the Different Styles of Men and Women

One of the most interesting things about Deborah Tannen's essay "Why can't he hear what I'm saying?" is the way that it shows how men and women have different communication styles because they are raised in different ways (308). Women are taught to value relationships and to show concern for how other people feel. Men are taught to value facts and data. Women are more interested in the process of communication as a result of their early upbringing. Men are more interested in the results of communication and getting things done through talking. The sociolinguist Deborah Tannen does not say that these differences between men and women are due to biology as well as culture. It does not matter. One conversational style is not better than the other. What does matter is that men and women must become more aware of their different styles, so they can better understand each other, and feel that they are listening to one another.

The differences between men and women in communication styles can be seen early on, when little boys and girls are playing on the playground. Although boys and girls may play together, the games that only girls play often don't have an objective, like jump rope or hopscotch. The point of these games is to help others by turning the rope, letting others take their turns, and engaging in fun songs, for the sake of talking, not for the sake of winning or beating someone else. Boys usually play at competitive sports that do not have songs to go along with the games. These games have a purpose that is easy to see and even if they reveal relationships, the relationships are based on showing who is the stronger and the weaker person.

Later on, these gender differences are seen in the way that men and women talk. A woman might talk about her day, and the man tries to solve the problem, rather than nod and sympathize with the woman. This is why a woman might feel that her female friend understands her better than her own husband. She is allowed to talk about her feelings with the woman, rather than find a solution quickly and efficiently. Also it is why women are less quick to disagree with one another. To criticize someone's style, even if they are right or wrong seems like putting someone down to a woman. When women do want to put someone down, they often say something like "I don't like that outfit," rather than criticize the person. It is enough to criticize someone's style. A man is more likely to openly attack another man.

A woman is also less likely to be direct than a man. A woman might ask a husband if he is hungry, rather than say, "Let's go out to eat!" But if the man is not hungry, he does not understand the woman's meaning, so he just says "I'm not hungry." Then the woman feels hurt that he ignored her feelings and her needs. She might say "are you in the mood for Italian food," and if he responds "I hate Italian food," rather than seeing this as a fact, she might feel that this is a comment about her intelligence and taste as a person. Both the man and the woman are listening to one another, but because they have been taught different ways of communicating, different values, and to have different purposes when speaking, they feel as if they are not communicating. A friendly debate for a man might seem like healthy competition, like a sport. To a woman, it can be hurtful to hear her opinions questioned by someone she loves. She is less concerned about the subject of the debate than how her husband feels about her.

Of course, some of these ideas are stereotypes. Not every woman plays hopscotch as a little girl, some women love softball. And some women love to debate, just as some men become social workers and listen well to other people. But it is helpful to be aware of these different cultural expectations, because even women who do not fit the stereotype may still have different expectations of what good listening and communication means. It is also important to remember that these stereotypes may be different from culture to culture. In a country like Greece or Italy, women and men may be more assertive and open to debate, because disagreeing is an accepted way of showing friendship. In nations like Japan, both men and women may be less quick to say what they feel in a direct fashion, because it is not considered polite to speak so openly. Also, different cultures may have more strict ways of raising male and female children. American culture is becoming more tolerant of male and female variety, so some of these communication differences may change over time.