Personality Snap Judgements. (174) Sometimes

¶ … Personality

Snap Judgements. (174)

Sometimes one of the more troubling characteristics about the reality of human nature is that we often remember the worst things and gloss over the good things about others. This can apply to situations as well, but is certainly at the heart of inappropriate snap judgements when it comes to evaluating another human being. There is an old axiom that one is only as good as their last mistake, meaning that the one hundred possible good deeds done before had are wiped out with one single faux pax. However, that being said, snap judgements are part of an evolutionary characteristic to react to a perceived danger and in that case an appropriate response of fight or flight is undertaken. Now in our more civilized society we tend to use the inherent characteristic to form quick and often erroneous opinions about someone.

So for an experiment I was trying to see how often this snap judgement comes up within the course of a day. So I set out in the morning to see if I was making these with everyone I saw or was it just the people that I spent more time noticing. Turns out it was everyone that I came into contact with in any way shape or form, and I did not even have to really see them to make a judgment upon them. For instance as I was heading to school I was taking a turn I always make when someone just zoomed past me and I had to put on my brakes to avoid them. Naturally they became the devil incarnate yet I did not even know if they were a male or a female driver, they may have even been a nun or a priest or a rabbi for all I knew. They also could have been heading to a hospital or had some emergency. But none of those more altruistic motives came into my head. This lead me to believe that snap judgements are often more tied to emotional states than rational thoughts. The rest of the day I realized that anyone that came into my view I was making some kind of judgement about. Either the object of my attention was pleasing to look at or not, I quickly judged them to be annoyed or happy, or whether they had a lot of money or were broke, as well as if they were really full of themselves or did not care what they looked like and on. I was really surprised that many of these happen so fast that I was not previously aware of them until I stopped to listen to myself.

However, what is the difference between what is a snap judgment and what is a first impression? There is also the idiom that you never have a second chance to make a first impression. This implies that once received by the interviewer, potential mate, and so on the first impression sticks and is often difficult to shake owing to that primal instinct to snap judgment. This can also work in reverse. Someone may be able to give a great first impression and yet on follow up involvement it is found that they do not always stack up to their initial assessment. This has happened occasionally when I have met someone I was to work with and they chat me up and seem to be a great person and know a lot about what project we are to be involved with and so on. I am left with the impression that they are going to share an equal load of the responsibility and so on. In actual practice I have found that sometimes they are a no show at meetings and have often missed their deadlines and I am left holding the bag.

So it seems that while snap judgments and first impression are inevitable when dealing with human beings, the other idiom to live by is to not always judge a book by its cover. While these quick opinions are certainly valuable I have found that to reserve judgment based on longer performance is always best and not to base and entire relationship based on a single moment experience with a person. While my experiment proved that I make those kinds of judgments all the time it was also with people I had never met. What if I had come across them again? I am sure that I would have a hard time shaking those impressions at first.

Chapter 7: Types of Non-verbal Communication (208-216)

Sorry to be stuck on idioms but sometimes they are germane. In this case the phrase, a picture is worth a thousand words is certainly appropriate. Non-verbal communication can certainly convey in a moments glance and entire vociferous speech. One of the vagaries of communication now is the often misinterpretation of written words formats such as e-mails where one cannot see or even hear the sender to ascertain whether or not they may be serious or joking. This has played havoc with many a communication and shows what happens when words quickly chosen are not followed by the speaker's non-verbal cues. In a sense this is the depersonalization that the computer age has spawned. Although we now use "emoticons" such as smiley or frowney faces to display emotions, there is nothing like the personal touch when it comes to conveying meaning.

Gestures as well as vocal intonations (paralanguage) are powerful tools that we often do not realize we are using when talking to people. This is important since that unconscious behavior in non-verbal communication can also reveal a great deal to the trained observer. For instance the use of personal space (Proximetrics) can be very revealing as to the nature of the relationship between people. In public, very close proximations, touching, hugging, kissing is reserved for those who we feel, not surprisingly, closest to such as significant others, family member (in varying degrees) and so on. Friends are slightly more distant, yet sometimes within the 4-inch boundary, just not for as prolonged a time. Casual social conversation with stranger is usually fluctuates within and without the boundary level depending how relaxed the two people are with each other. Then the public distance where the possibility of touching is not entertained. Some people aver very standoff-ish and may maintain larger boundaries and some more touchy feely and maintain lower boundaries. These are also culturally subjective as is all non-verbal communication.

One non-verbal cue that I have great respect for in telling whether or not another person is interested in what I am saying or interested in me in general is eye contact. When I am talking and see that the other person is looking at their shoes or even worse, their watch, I know that it is time to cut it short. This is the same in a social gathering or when I have done public speaking. It is an excellent clue for interest level. On the other hand I have often had to use this as a tool when being interviewed for a job or internship. There have been occasions where I know my mind may have wandered, but I remember to make eye contact as much as possible during the exchange. More often than not I am usually successful at the interview phase using just this one technique. However, it can be inappropriate if it is too prolonged and can often be misinterpreted in other ways as well. Mutual gaze is one way when eye contact with someone can go either way, depending on the situation. A steady unblinking gaze turns into a staring contest and can often create hostile feeling in the other party. According to the chapter direct eye contact can be ant-social in certain cultures, such as in Mexico, Latin America and Japan. In fact it is a direct insult. This has to be remembered when dealing with people from that culture and that averting their eyes is a sign of respect and no lack of attention.

While the study in the chapter shows that there are six distinct facial expressions I would venture to guess that these are not as universal as one would believe. As shown in the example above, culture can play a significant influence on those expressions. That being said I would agree that there is some universality in smiling and laughter, and in crying and sadness. But I have been in situations where the other person was smiling all the way through a vicious personal attack on my performance while giving the impression she was trying to help me. So there can certainly be mixed messages in any of these non-verbal communication, especially if one has practiced them like an actor using an array of tools to convey the emotion of feeling they want you to have.

Regarding paralanguage I have noticed one aspect in myself that I have yet been able to control. This occurs especially when I am nervous, such as in public speaking, if I feel as if the audience or listen is bored I will tend to talk much faster. I often run over my words and they start coming out so fast they seem to not be waiting for the thought behind them and I can get lost in my speech. I will often write the direction "pause" into a lecture in order to remind me to do so and slow down. So I am often not sure if it is my delivery that is boring the audience or the content.

Chapter 8: Friendship (250-252)

In times of need and in times or happiness, one is able to share these experiences with a friend. I know when I am feeling especially stressed out or feel that things are not going well I can usually count on my friends to bring me out of it, either directly by encouraging me to press on, or indirectly by taking my mind off the situation at hand. Sometimes there is no way t go forward, as in the case when you break up with someone. Friends can help relive the tension by simply being there and listening or taking you out to forget about things for a while.

For me, friends play a vital role in many aspects of my life as I am sure they do in many other people's lives. Friendships are made in many ways and have many differing degrees at times. There are those you work with that you may consider friends, yet they may not be those that you hang out with very often and, unless you have created a deeper bond with individuals at work, certainly not the ones that you can confide everything in. This is especially true if you do not like your job and complain about it to the wrong person.

While I have met several new friends as I went to different schools, the ones that seem to have the strongest bond are the friends I made as a child growing up. It seems that I had just spent so much time with them and shared many early secrets and ideas and dreams with them that their bond with me is unshakable. There are times when I do not see them for long periods, yet when we get back together it is as if not time has passed at all. This is also true to people that have come to mean a great deal to me going to school now.

Friendships seem to, by their very nature, have to develop over a certain period of time. There has to be some history, some sharing of experiences of ideas, some similarity of likes and dislikes in some sense in order for a friendship to first begin to develop. There is a bond that begins to develop; it is something like meeting someone for the first time and feeling some connection, something that interests you to find out more about the person. However, sometimes, as in my childhood friends, it is often just a matter of circumstance. Living near each other, playing in the same parks, participating in the same sports creates an almost accidental bond that arises out of a location in time and space more than anything else.

Being able to share events, both happy an sad, with a friend helps to put those evetns in perspective. Writing in a journal has a similar characteristic in that you relive the event and in the remembering and transmitting of it, it can become more real, more enjoyable, and I the case of a sad event, more acceptable. In other words it helps me to process the event and in some sense makes it more real and concrete than it would be otherwise. Ideally I would think that choosing a mate or a significant other, while it certainly has many other parameters to consider, needs to be in some sense based on a friendship in order for it to really work and last. If there is not that connection or that bond then any long-term commitment will be tremulous. This brings up the next topic to be discussed.

Chapter 9: Divorce (287-288)

It is interesting to note that according the records that the divorce rate the in the United States is fifty percent. Half of all marriages that are supposed to last till one or the other spouse are dead, do not get there. Although I guess that it does seem a little depressing in some context when the minister or justice says the line, "till death do you part." With such a high divorce rate that seems like more of a question that a declarative statement any longer. Perhaps it should really read, "live as long as you can together," or something that seems to have a little more of a positive spin on it. But I am sure that this line is not the real reason behind the fifty percent divorce statistic. However it is being addressed by this chapter as almost an inevitability that needs to be adjusted to and coped with for both the separating spouses as well as the children that may be involved.

Is divorce too easy a way out from a marriage? Is that why it is so "popular" lately? It does not seem so. Any of the people that I have known who had to go through a divorce delayed it for many years, often till their children were older or just because of how difficult finically it would be. The fact of the matter is more likely that the couple did not have the right stuff in the first place when they got engaged and later married. They may have based their relationship only on sexual attraction, financial considerations, or other circumstances that seemed to compel them to marry. There may not have been any underlying friendship or other bond that would have gotten them through their differences otherwise. Furthermore, this also seems to be cultural based in many ways. Divorced is not f4woend upon in the United States as it is in other cultures. The consequences of divorce can be more extreme in a faith-based society.

But whether or not divorced is accepted or rejected by the culture, women often seemed to be disproportionately disadvantaged by the process of both marriage and divorce in many respects. This is perhaps greatly due to the financial burden that may occur, especially if the women had been a homemaker and stay at home mom and not currently getting a paycheck. This substantially disrupts her life, especially if there are children involved and she remains the primary caregiver. Factually, in these circumstances the courts have realized the excessive burden this often place of the women in the divorce and often are quite generous financially to her in the proceedings, often to the chagrin of her male counterpart. While this has the appearance of creating a gender bias I view it as merely adjusting the scales to account for circumstances. However, it does appear that according to the research both men and women share the psychological effects of divorce equally.

While staying together in a loveless marriage certainly has its detrimental consequences, it appears that divorce has a great toll on the health and well being of the parties involved. The chapter seems to indicate that both choices are not the healthiest. I suppose that the only shining light is that the pain and suffering from a divorce may only last for a while, a few months or a few years, while remaining the a dysfunctional marriage has the possibility of a much longer sentence or term.

The effect on the children of a divorce seems to be much more pronounced. They really did not have much of a say in the matter and are often taken by surprise when the day comes that their parents announce it. The parents have had ample time to at least adjust to the idea, the children on the other had are handed a hot potato and can go through several layers of emotions that can leave them scarred and as the research by Wallerstien found that they are usually, "worried, underachieving, self-deprecating and sometimes angry young men and women." (288) While some researcher find this over pessimistic, the fact is that the shock of divorce is difficult to deal with and it children do adjust it often takes years, and some therapy, to do so.