This paper examines the role parents play in developing healthy self-esteem in young children, with particular emphasis on the critical window from infancy to age five. Drawing on sources from child development and parenting literature, the paper defines self-esteem in the context of early childhood, explains why early intervention is more effective than corrective efforts later in life, and outlines concrete strategies parents can use. Topics covered include the importance of unconditional love, active play and involvement, encouragement, age-appropriate responsibility, and open communication. The paper also encourages parents to reflect on their own upbringing and model positive self-regard for their children.
Self-esteem is one of the defining concepts of the past few decades in discussions of child development and healthy parenting. The most basic definition of positive self-esteem is having "good feelings" about oneself. In regard to young children, self-esteem usually also "refers to the extent to which they expect to be accepted and valued by the adults and peers who are important to them" (Katz). Children who have healthy self-esteem feel important and loved. They believe they are accepted as they are by the adults in their lives — particularly parents — and by important peers. They trust that these people would not want anything bad to happen to them and would actively work to prevent harm from coming to them. Children with low self-esteem, by contrast, may feel unloved and unaccepted, and may believe that no one cares about them or would go out of their way to protect them.
It is necessary for children to develop healthy self-esteem in order to grow into healthy adolescents and adults. Some theorists claim that self-esteem lies at the root of many of society's most persistent problems. Parents play a vital role in shaping the young child's self-esteem, and it is especially important that they keep this in mind during the critical window of development from infancy to age five. "Parents can play an important role in strengthening children's self-esteem by treating them respectfully, taking their views and opinions seriously, and expressing appreciation to them. Above all, parents must keep in mind that self-esteem is an important part of every child's development" (Katz).
It is important that parents begin focusing on developing their child's self-esteem as early as possible, because it is far better — and more successful — to start a child off with a healthy sense of self than to ignore this need early on and try to address it later. "Fostering self-esteem in a child from the outset is easier and healthier than trying to repair a negative self-concept later in life" (Hart).
The very foundation of self-esteem begins while the child is still an infant — and some researchers speculate it begins even before birth. Infants develop attachments with those who care for them, and the development of self-esteem is built on these early attachments. Babies learn to feel safe, loved, and important when their caregivers respond quickly to crying or signs of need, and when others respond to their smiles and laughter with warmth. As children grow older, being loved and accepted by caregivers teaches them to trust others to provide what they need, thereby developing a sense of worthiness. When children begin exploring the world independently during the preschool years, their sense of self-worth deepens, and it becomes essential that parents are involved, supportive, responsive, and respectful of that growth.
It is important that children not only feel safe from the very beginning, but also that they feel a sense of belonging — whether to the family unit or to a larger social or cultural group. "When toddlers become preschoolers, for example, they are expected to control their impulses and adopt the rules of the family and community in which they are growing. Successfully adjusting to these groups helps to strengthen feelings of belonging to them" (Katz). A parent's goal should not be to ensure the child feels perfect about him or herself at every single moment — an impossible standard — but to help the child develop pride, self-respect, and the resilience to handle life's challenges and recover from failures.
Parents have the unique opportunity to begin teaching healthy self-esteem from the very first moments of a child's life. "Whether we know it or not, we are 'teaching' self-esteem — or a lack of it — to our children all the time. For the most part, children look to the adults in their environment, and later to their peers, for a reflection of who they are and how they are" (Hart). Children must feel loved first and foremost. They are highly attuned to a parent's nonverbal cues — not just words — and will draw conclusions about how loved they are from those signals.
Parents must make a conscious decision to model positive values for their children at all times. A productive starting point is to honestly reflect on one's own childhood experiences. Repeating the mistakes of previous generations will not benefit a child, but learning from those experiences — and carrying forward positive parenting examples — can make a significant difference. "Remember what it was like growing up in your family. What did your parents do to make you feel loved? How did they discipline you? How did they communicate and resolve problems with you and with each other? What helped you feel good about yourself, and what led you to conclude that you were 'bad,' that there was something wrong with you?" (Hart). These are important questions for parents to consider when developing their parenting approach. Parents must cultivate a habit of focusing on the positive — speaking and thinking constructively, and looking for what is going well rather than fixating on what is going wrong.
"Love and affection as core self-esteem building blocks"
"Play, tasks, and trust boost children's sense of worth"
"Listening and positive messaging reinforce healthy development"
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