Conflict Resolution Skills for Couples and Relationships

Introduction: Balancing Relationships and Conflict

Striking a balance between personal and professional life is genuinely challenging. In both spheres, an individual encounters numerous people — some become acquaintances, some become friends, some become competitors, and some become enemies. New relationships form every day while old ones fade. In such circumstances, maintaining a balance across all relationships is difficult. Although these individuals each have their own priorities, one thing is common among all of them: they all want to be cared for, to be understood, and to be supported in the major decisions of life (Newsom et al., 2008).

There can be situations in which an individual disagrees with a partner or family members over certain matters. For example, disagreement between parents and children is quite common. Children may want to try something risky and exciting, while parents will often prove to be an obstacle. This is because, for parents, a child's safety takes precedence over his or her wishes (Kellett, 2007).

Conflicts Arise from Differing Needs

Considering another person's preferences is the backbone of any relationship, whether personal or professional. In personal relationships, an individual needs to give the other person room to breathe freely without unnecessary restrictions. Imposing one's wishes on someone else without considering their priorities will result in misunderstandings, increased arguments, and breakups. In professional relationships, competition is the starting point for most disagreements (Kellett, 2007). However, if an individual acknowledges that every person has certain priorities and boundaries that should not be ignored, and agrees to resolve differences through considerate conversation, this can enhance the durability of a relationship while also supporting effective team building in an organizational context (Newsom et al., 2008).

If disagreement is not resolved at an early stage, it can turn into a conflict. In everyday life, people wrongly assume these two words mean the same thing. Conflict is the extreme stage of disagreement, in which both parties no longer feel safe around each other and carry a general perception that the other intends to cause harm — whether through hostility or avoidance. The intensity of feeling depends on an individual's cultural beliefs, values, and life experiences, and these factors also affect the way in which that individual deals with the problem. As time passes, the roots of conflict grow stronger and the matter becomes harder to resolve. Therefore, it is important to reconcile differences at an early stage. An individual's ability to control his or her emotions assists in reaching a reasonable solution. Although it is difficult, resolving a conflict will further strengthen the relationship between two people as they gain confidence that their bond is strong enough to face different challenges (Newsom et al., 2008).

The most common approach adopted by couples in conflict is to let bygones be bygones — that is, both parties remain silent and the matter never reaches the table for discussion. History shows that this approach is not effective. Expression of feelings is a prerequisite of a healthy relationship. If either individual remains silent on an issue to avoid further disagreement, this will give rise to bitterness and antipathy, which in turn produces negativity. The individual will feel irritated by the smallest things, and feelings of resentment will accumulate until they reach a breaking point. When the tension finally releases, it can shatter the relationship entirely. Beyond that, an unresolved conflict can adversely affect an individual's physical health and overall well-being. The sooner a couple recognizes this reality, the sooner they will be able to adopt effective conflict resolution strategies (Newsom et al., 2008).

Resolving a conflict is not simple. One wrong move can derail the entire process. John Gottman based his research on how couples fight and demonstrated the ability to analyze conflict resolution skills in order to predict the future of a relationship. Conflict resolution skills are not inherent; they must be developed over time and through experience. The following guiding principles are intended to help couples — particularly those with a tendency toward hostility or conflict avoidance — achieve effective resolution (Gottman and Carrere, 1999).

Get in Touch with Your Feelings

At first glance, this step may appear unnecessary. There is a general assumption that all individuals are already aware of their own feelings, but in reality this is not always true. For example, we are often in a low mood without any obvious reason, or we feel disappointed in someone even though that person may have done nothing wrong. Therefore, the first step is to explore your inner self — to determine what you truly want and what you genuinely feel about the other person. Unless you are clear about your own emotions, you cannot convey them to others effectively.

Journaling and psychotherapy are two effective methods for understanding one's own feelings. There is a possibility that the underlying problem lies within the individual and has nothing to do with the other person's actions (Gottman and Carrere, 1999). It is therefore important for a couple to clearly analyze where they went wrong in the relationship rather than defaulting to the blame game.

Conclusion: Emotion Regulation and Conflict Resolution

As noted throughout this paper, conflict resolution is strongly influenced by an individual's ability to manage his or her emotions. Conflicts produce feelings of resentment, hatred, and disappointment. If conflict remains unresolved, the intensity of these feelings grows with every passing day. Left unaddressed, conflict can break a relationship beyond repair; resolved thoughtfully, however, it can forge an even stronger bond between two people (Childre and Rozman, 2005).

If a person is consumed by resentment toward another and cannot clearly identify what they truly want, they will not be able to communicate effectively. For example, a couple that avoids discussing the real problem due to ego and pride may continue to fight — sometimes over trivial matters — allowing distance to grow between them. This pattern is harmful to the relationship. To resolve a conflict, both individuals must stay composed. This means not allowing emotions to override logical thinking, especially under stress. With a strong command of one's own emotional responses, it becomes possible to communicate assertively and put forward one's perspective confidently without triggering further blame.

Furthermore, actively listening to the other person and working together toward a logical conclusion that serves both parties are essential components of conflict resolution. These steps are not easy — they require considerable practice and self-discipline. However, they can be developed by individuals who believe that the relationship is worth the effort (Childre and Rozman, 2005).

References

Childre, D. and Rozman, D. (2005). Transforming Stress. New Harbinger Publications, Oakland, CA.

Gottman, J. M. and Carrere, S. (1999). Predicting divorce among newlyweds from the first three minutes of a marital conflict discussion. Family Process.

Kellett, Peter M. (2007). Conflict Dialogue. London: Sage Publications.

Newsom, J. T., Mahan, T. L., Rook, K. S., and Krause, N. (2008). Stable negative social exchanges and health. Health Psychology, January 2008.

Scott, E. (2011). Conflict resolution skills for healthy relationships: The key to less relationship stress? Effective conflict resolution skills. Medical Review Board.