Communication Skills for a Healthy Marriage: Research Guide

Introduction

Relationships are all about communication — something you have probably heard before. But did you know that social science research backs up this claim, and can also provide you with the practical tools you need to minimize conflict and maximize harmony in your relationship? For example, research shows which barriers to communication might arise, why they arise, and how you can overcome them. Research also shows that your self-concept and self-image have a strong bearing on how you comport yourself in your intimate relationships. Using appropriate levels of self-disclosure and emotional intelligence, you can improve your self-esteem and strengthen your relationship with each other and with people outside of your dyad.

In this letter, I would like to outline some of the highlights of what I have learned in a course on communication. Far from being based on pop psychology or pseudoscience, what I am about to share is grounded in the latest research in psychology and sociology. Ultimately, barriers to communication arise out of deeply rooted issues such as insecurity, low self-esteem, and cognitive biases, as well as poorly developed communication strategies. Effective communication in a marriage therefore hinges on each partner being willing to boost emotional intelligence through self-mastery, encouraging self-awareness as well as empathy.

Barriers to Communication

Innumerable situational and psychological barriers to communication might arise during the course of your relationship. Conflict management is one of the most important strategies for maintaining a healthy marriage over time (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Chapter 8). Learning how to manage conflicts requires a certain degree of education, skill, and practice. You need to ideally develop self-awareness and emotional intelligence to manage conflict effectively — topics we will discuss in more detail later. For now, we will focus on some of the common barriers to communication you might encounter in your relationship.

Some of the barriers you might encounter include faulty cognitive schemas such as self-fulfilling prophecies, stereotyping, and the halo effect. Self-fulfilling prophecies refer to hearing what you expect or want to hear instead of tuning in to your partner fully (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Chapter 2). Mindfulness is the best means of overcoming these and other types of cognitive biases. With mindfulness, you train yourself to actively listen to your partner and stop attributing their behaviors to outdated concepts you hold about them — just as you would want them to do for you. Similarly, even the most positive-seeming stereotypes can create cognitive biases that become barriers to communication. The halo effect may occur during the honeymoon stage of a relationship, when you see only the other person's positive characteristics. When that person reveals a fault or quirk, your image of them is suddenly disrupted. Instead of prejudging your significant other, try to be more mindful and understanding of their full humanity.

Communication apprehension is usually associated with stage fright or the anxiety felt before a job interview, but apprehension can also arise when you need to have a challenging conversation with your significant other. For example, if you need to admit to your partner that you have been gambling and spent some of the family savings, you might feel apprehensive about that conversation. Each person handles communication apprehension differently. Those who tend to be highly apprehensive will most often avoid the situation, which causes even more problems later on (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Chapter 5, p. 3). If you experience communication apprehension in your marriage, the official term for it is "dyadic," because it pertains to your dyad — just the two of you (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Chapter 5, p. 4). People who tend to be shy and introverted might experience higher levels of communication apprehension than those who are extraverted (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Chapter 5). It therefore helps to be aware of your personality style and your tendencies, and to work to strengthen your weaknesses.

Some of the most destructive barriers to communication in an interpersonal relationship include avoidance, spying, jealousy induction, infidelity, allowing control, and destructive conflict (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Chapter 8, p. 4). Avoidance was touched on briefly when discussing communication apprehension. It is important to have the courage to address difficult topics rather than letting your feelings fester. This requires significant personal effort, as no one but you can muster the willingness to overcome apprehension and trust that your partner will not judge you for what you are about to say. Of course, you are also entrusted with the responsibility of showing empathy and being willing to forgive the other person when they expose themselves to you.

Self-Concept, Self-Image, and Self-Esteem

Communication is about far more than just sending and receiving messages. The way we communicate is also a product of our self-concept and self-image. In fact, we form our self-concept and self-image based on the feedback we have received throughout our entire lives. The things people say to us, and how they react to us, serve as social mirrors — what some researchers have referred to as the "looking-glass self" (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Chapter 2, p. 3). If your partner reinforces your sense of self, you will feel little conflict. However, if your partner reacts to you in an unexpected way that does not coincide with your self-image, you might experience anxiety that could lead to a small crisis in communication. If either of you has a negative self-concept or self-image, you could also experience a low sense of self-esteem, which could become a barrier to communication (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Chapter 2, p. 6).

Try to remember that you alone are ultimately responsible for your self-esteem. Your partner can compliment you and support you, but "you have to work to develop your self-esteem" (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Chapter 2, p. 6). The better you feel about yourself, and the more honest your self-concept is, the better your interactions will be — not just with your significant other, but with everyone else in your life.

To manage our self-image, we might express ourselves in particular ways, such as through our dress or mannerisms. Once you get to know your partner more deeply, you might realize there was far more to them than you initially perceived, because you have engaged in what is known as impression formation. Impression formation is the process of forming first impressions based on what you saw or perceived during an initial encounter, while impression management is what your partner did to prepare for that first date — such as buying a new outfit or getting a haircut (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Chapter 7). Although issues of self-image and self-concept are especially salient in the early stages of a relationship, they remain perennially important throughout your lifetime and will continue to impact the quality of your interpersonal communications.

Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence, defined as a combination of self-awareness and empathy, is positively correlated with romantic relationship satisfaction (Malouff, Schutte, & Thorsteinsson, 2013). Self-awareness takes practice, although some people may find it more challenging than others. Bevan & Sole (2014) advise becoming more "conscious about how you interpret the world," taking stock of your biases, attitudes, and beliefs in a systematic way (Chapter 2, p. 13). Emotional intelligence is like other types of intelligence in that, if you put your mind to it and work on improving your competencies, you can become better at communication and self-awareness over time.

Emotional intelligence is a cluster of traits and "involves the ability to monitor, regulate, and discriminate among your own and your partner's feelings in order to guide your thoughts and actions" (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Chapter 8, p. 11). Therefore, when developing emotional intelligence, be sure to pay attention to the difference between empathy and enmeshment. Enmeshment refers to becoming overly involved emotionally with your partner — or anyone else — and the inability to differentiate your own feelings from the other person's (Cohen, Jensen, Dryman, et al., 2015).

Conclusion

Congratulations! You have reached a point in your relationship where you are both committed to each other, willing to work through conflicts and overcome them, and able to engage in honest exchanges. Now that you are at the relationship maintenance stage, the most important factors will be the cultivation of empathy and self-awareness. Effective communication ultimately requires the ability to change — you will be challenged to remain open-minded about your partner's worldview, their belief systems, and their different ways of solving problems. If you are both committed to the relationship, you are now empowered with the knowledge and strategies you need to overcome conflict and develop a strong sense of self as well.

References

Bevan, J. L., & Sole, K. (2014). Making connections: Understanding interpersonal communication (2nd ed.) [Electronic version]. Retrieved from https://content.ashford.edu/

Cohen, J. N., Jensen, D., Dryman, M., et al. (2015). Enmeshment schema and quality of life deficits. Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy, 29(1), 20–31.

Horne, R. M., & Johnson, M. D. (2018). Gender role attitudes, relationship efficacy, and self-disclosure in intimate relationships. The Journal of Social Psychology, 158(1), 37–50.

Malouff, J. M., Schutte, N. S., & Thorsteinsson, E. B. (2013). Trait emotional intelligence and romantic relationship satisfaction: A meta-analysis. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 42(1), 53–66.

Romo, L. K. (2015). An examination of how people in romantic relationships use communication to manage financial uncertainty. Journal of Applied Communication Research, 43(3), 315–335.

Sheldon, P., Gilchrist-Petty, E., & Lessley, J. A. (2014). You did what? Communication Reports, 27(2), 78–90.