Conflict and Communication in Marriage: Key Issues

Introduction: Communication as the Root of Conflict

Communication lies at the root of all conflict and resolution. Without communication in all its forms, human beings would be destined to live solitary and unhappy lives with very little social interaction. When conflicts enter a marriage, two people find themselves trying to engage in forms of communication that, in most cases, end up making the situation worse rather than better. "Most people have a 'purpose,' which aligns itself with the motives behind their conflicts. Second is their 'position,' which often appears as their stance or strategy for trying to get their own way. One way to resolve conflict is to identify each person's true purpose rather than argue about positions" (Warrum, 2003). Communication breaks down as a couple tries to establish their own points and simultaneously misinterprets their partner's point or purpose. Misread body language cues, coupled with a lack of knowledge about how to read what is not being said, only make the conflict worse and, in the end, resolve nothing.

"Only 5 per cent of communication involves the words we use, and 38 per cent involves speech as a whole. A staggering 55 per cent is attributed to body language" (Gray, 2003). Body language cues and signs in marriage and sex can lead to more conflict, and misunderstood cues can lead to embarrassment as well as a psychological distance between a couple. "Asserting rights in an intimate relationship has different emotional contexts and consequences than asserting other rights, such as insisting on service in an impersonal setting" (Quina, 2000). Communication is vital if these rights are to be recognized and not viewed as a threat to a partner's rights.

One of the simplest forms of building communication is the act of repeating the other person's point before making your own. "Often the repeating is incorrect, and the person will ask for further explanation and then try again. This can happen over and over again until they can finally repeat accurately" (Warrum), and by that time an agreement is most likely to be reached. Through repetition, the conflict is defused and a genuine discussion is formulated between the couple. Beyond making their points heard, they are listening to each other — and in any form of communication, listening is vital for the integrity of any agreement or resolution.

Conflict Elements: Power, Esteem, and Gender

In the case of a married couple, conflict may arise for a variety of reasons, yet two underlying struggles remain constant: power and esteem. In any conflict there is the struggle to retain power over the discussion and therefore over the resolution, coupled with the struggle to retain a level of esteem — be it self-esteem or respect from the person with whom one is in conflict.

Gender roles in marital conflict can have an influential function in how gender shapes both the conflict and its resolution. This does not only mean that male and female roles within the marriage can sway the situation (for example, the assumption that "I'm the man, I'm the boss of the house") but also that they contribute to how communication is perceived and responded to. "Gender-related effects have been reported in perceived intensity of others' anger, interpretation of one's own affective state, expression of anger, conflict engagement strategies with partner, conflict management styles, and evaluation of spouses' messages during discussion of conflictual issues" (El-Sheikh, 2000).

Once the root of the conflict has been recognized, a resolution should not be far off. Each party should be able to pinpoint their views and concerns so that they can mediate a resolution or ask a third party for alternatives. Conflict resolution is based on internal and external factors within a marriage. Internally, the couple finds common ground that holds equal value for both of them — this could be the relationship itself or something they cherish within it. External factors consist of third-party mediators or those with authority to intervene, such as a counselor or clergy member. Once the couple has identified what is intrinsically important between them and nourished this as a step toward resolution, they can develop their resolution through verbal and non-verbal communication — which, ironically, could have prevented the conflict in the first place had they known the cues.

Wilmot-Hocker Assessment: Orientation to the Conflict

One of the most common perpetuating cycles in marital conflict involves verbal tone and cues that are used to try to bring a dispute back to a more positive register but fail, due in part to the tone in which they are delivered and the negativity of the message as it is conveyed by a spouse. "One of the greatest challenges for couples locked into negative exchanges is to find an adaptive way of exiting from such cycles. This is usually attempted through responses designed to repair the interaction (e.g., 'You're not listening to me') that are typically delivered with negative affect (e.g., irritation, sadness). Distressed couples tend to respond to the negative affect, thereby continuing the cycle" (Fincham, 1999).

Conflict in a marriage is often experienced as negative because it draws out the worst in a couple. Problematic areas are highlighted, and if the conflict becomes aggressive, it can be both emotionally and physically challenging. "Non-verbal communication often takes place without any awareness on the part of the person giving the signals or the one reading them" (Gray). These missed and misread cues create a more negative tone as the conflict unfolds, resulting in couples displaying obvious signals of distress, anger, and frustration.

Clichéd phrases are used alongside these emotions — sometimes in an attempt to bring the conflict back into focus, and other times to signal that another issue is at stake. Phrases like "You're not listening to me," "You never listen to me," "You're always right," and "It's always what you want" signify conflict within the conflict. The party using these phrases feels a lack of power and low esteem, which triggers defense mechanisms such as withdrawing from the conflict entirely or using exaggerated body language, such as folding arms or making emphatic gestures.

Gender roles within the marriage play a pivotal role in how a conflict is viewed and in its progress toward resolution. "Dating, newlywed, and established married couples complain about sources of conflict ranging from verbal and physical abusiveness to personal characteristics and behaviors. Perceived inequity in division of labor is associated with both marital conflict and more male withdrawal in response to conflict" (Fincham). While a marriage ideally rests on love, respect, and equality, interpersonal dynamics are shaped by human nature and ingrained patterns of dominance. "In peaceful couples, the stronger a wife's verbal skills, the more her spouse liked her. But in rockier relationships, well-spoken wives used their talent for 'language and psychology to inflict pain,' addressing their husbands with especially wounding words" (Druckman, 1999).

References

Druckman, A. Words That Wound. Psychology Today, September 1999.

El-Sheikh, M. Gender-Related Effects in Emotional Responding to Resolved and Unresolved Interpersonal Conflict. Sex Roles: A Journal of Research, November 2000.

Fincham, N. D. Conflict in Marriage: Implications for Working with Couples. Annual Review of Psychology, 1999.

Gray, P. What Signals Do You Send? GP, London, May 5, 2003, p. 53.

McGinty, K. Nonverbal and Verbal Communication in "Involved" and "Casual" Relationships among College Students. College Student Journal, March 2003.

Neff, K. The Authenticity of Conflict Resolutions among Adult Couples: Does Women's Other-Oriented Behavior Reflect Their True Selves? Sex Roles: A Journal of Research, November 2002.

Quina, K. Sexual Communication in Relationships: When Words Speak Louder Than Actions. Sex Roles: A Journal of Research, April 2000.

Warrum, R. He Said, She Said. World of Concrete Seminar, January 2003.