Sibling Rivalry: Causes, Signs, and How to Manage It

Introduction

Sibling rivalry is among the greatest sources of stress in families — perhaps the least discussed, if not the best-kept, secret (Meyerhoff 1993). Conflicts, aggressive actions, and harsh behavior among children who are usually only a year or two apart are a cause of deep torment and mental discomfort to parents, such that the matter is seldom discussed openly. Only when it becomes severe is it brought up, and even then it is addressed in isolation and often with a great deal of shame.

People in society assume that family members will love and get along with one another. They generally expect positive feelings between spouses, between parents and children, and among children themselves (Jacobson 1999). It is a fact, however, that most family members at least sometimes do not feel very loving toward another member. Observation shows that the closer family members are, the more intense their interactions with one another. Western culture has long traced sibling rivalry to the story of Cain and Abel in the Old Testament, a theme later elaborated by psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, who labeled it the competition between siblings for parental love and attention (Leder 1993). Since the Freudian view gained acceptance, therapists and the general public came to view the relationship between siblings as one of conflict and struggle, yet failed to appreciate it as something that needed to be actively addressed and resolved. Instead, sibling rivalry has been accepted as a normal state of affairs (Leder).

Frank observation of hundreds of homes yields thousands of hours of unpleasant collisions and confrontations between children who are mostly fewer than three years apart (Meyerhoff 1993). This pattern is less common in families with only one child or when siblings are four or more years apart. The hostility and jealousy that exist among children competing for their parents' attention are made worse by the parents' own confusion and self-condemnation (Meyerhoff). The problem is further reinforced by child experts and other professionals who dismiss it as a mild family disturbance that can be quickly handled with minimal effort. Their faulty research — based mostly on interviews — combines with parents' reluctance to disclose the real difficulty candidly. Confronting that difficulty requires honest answers to the following questions:

Meyerhoff writes that when a competitor enters a child's world and begins to vie for his mother's and father's attention, resentment of the intrusion is normal, especially if the child is under three years old. This happens because the child feels he has a great deal to lose and because he has very limited intellectual skills to cope with that loss. The world of a child under three centers on the home environment and focuses on his relationship with his parents, his primary caretakers. In contrast, a four- or five-year-old has usually formed an essential attachment with his parents, and issues of control and family role have generally been defined. At this age, the older child has also typically formed relationships outside the home, such as in nursery school with other children and adults.

The infant or toddler newcomer, on the other hand, still struggles with the most basic aspects of existence and relies entirely on verbal and physical reassurances from parents. The infant is still unable to understand abstract concepts such as love, sharing, and fraternity, and has a very short attention span and memory. The older child can usually read the signs and initially feels comfortable that an additional sibling will not threaten his importance in the family — particularly when the new baby is first brought home and sleeps most of the time. But as months pass, the new child begins to demand more of the parents' time and attention, and the older child, if he is under three, may attempt to compete by imitating the younger child — crying, whining, or screaming rather than talking — and reverting to other infant behaviors.

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When the baby moves beyond six or seven months and begins to crawl, climb, and babble, the situation can worsen. The infant now requires greater and more immediate attention and praise, and the older sibling's jealousy intensifies as he perceives the baby as "stealing" his parents' time and affection. He retaliates by hitting, pushing, pinching, biting, and grabbing toys. These reactions, however, earn him parental displeasure and punishment rather than the reassurance he desperately seeks, causing his jealousy and hostility toward the younger sibling to deepen.

The younger sibling, meanwhile, has a different experience. She receives warmth, affection, and reassurance from parents and other adults, yet endures mistreatment from her older sibling. She quickly learns survival techniques — such as crying — and realizes that she can retaliate through these means. With this new sense of personal power, she can actually become the aggressor. At this point, parents grow confused and overwhelmed that their children can be engaged in constant hostilities.

According to Leder, clinicians and developmental psychologists agree that the bond among siblings is complicated, fluid, and influenced by parental treatment, genetics, gender, life events, ethnic and generational patterns, and the people and experiences outside the family. She cites the work of Judy Dunn, whose sibling studies in England and the United States offer a radically new view of children's abilities and social understanding. Dunn's findings suggest that one-year-olds can respond to disputes between siblings and are deeply affected by their mother's interaction with other siblings. The research also found that 18-month-old siblings already understand how to comfort, hurt, and deepen each other's pain, and that three-year-olds can possess a sophisticated grasp of social rules and how to use them for their own purposes. At this age, children can evaluate themselves and their relationships with siblings, and can adapt to frustrating conditions within the family.

Dunn also explained that parents' relationships with each child have a great deal to do with sibling rivalry. Children as young as one year can acutely sense when they are being treated differently from their siblings. A parent's show of greater love, more attention, or unwillingness to monitor what goes on between children can spark sibling rivalry or damage sibling bonds. Both parental action and inaction have long-lasting effects on already rivalrous relationships.

Dunn's studies further suggested that sister–sister pairs tend to be the closest, while brother–brother pairs tend to be more rivalrous, with identical male twins being the most competitive. Sibling relationships nevertheless change dramatically over the years: critical life events in early and middle childhood — such as a mother's illness or death, or the transition to school — as well as adult events such as leaving home, marriage, caring for an ill parent, and grieving a parent's death, can either draw siblings closer or drive them apart. Dunn concluded, as Leder writes, that siblings are constants in life who serve as a reference point for measuring and judging ourselves, because they share a history through which any sibling can develop perspective in adulthood. Friends and neighbors may disappear or die, but siblings remain siblings, and old rivalries can be forgotten or forgiven as siblings help one another feel more human and more connected.

Jacobson identifies several reasons why children and siblings fight: they want a parent's attention; they are jealous; they engage in ordinary teasing; and they want to win, having grown up in a competitive society. Both children and adults need not only weeks or months but years to learn how to behave appropriately in relationships. Teenagers fight more intensely for parental love, attention, and concern, and some adults never fully satisfy this need.

Jacobson suggests that parents look for the reasons behind their children's fighting, decide to stand firm in their position about it, and impress upon their children that while disagreements are normal, constant fighting is not — that it upsets both parents and the peace of the home. Parents should also remain calm and keep their sense of humor. Jacobson offers practical tips to parents for curbing, preventing, and controlling sibling rivalry.

The Child Development Institute traces sibling rivalry to biblical times, citing Joseph's conflicts with his brothers as an early example. While acknowledging that some families are relatively untouched by rivalry, it notes that factors such as age, sex, birth order, temperament, and the sharing of common parents can give rise to it. It identifies parental attitude as the most important factor: parents may feel differently about certain children and their personalities or dispositions. Taking sides or ignoring inappropriate behavior are listed among the common mistakes parents must avoid in managing sibling rivalry.

Suggestions offered to parents include: not making comparisons between or among children; not ignoring or suppressing children's resentment or angry feelings; avoiding situations that create guilt in any sibling; letting children settle their own conflicts; taking appropriate and decisive action when necessary; introducing a family plan that avoids negative consequences; and developing a system for distributing privileges evenly among children.

Molgaard recognizes that siblings most often fight to gain their parents' attention or to assert superiority or power over one another. While some bickering among siblings is normal, she writes, constant arguing, fighting, and aggression are not. To manage the problem, she suggests that parents allow siblings to express their feelings about each other; refrain from comparing them; treat them individually rather than equally; refrain from taking sides; let them work out conflicts on their own; step in only when they cannot resolve matters themselves; stop dangerous fighting; and allow themselves time to learn how to deal with their children effectively.

The magazine argues that instinctual rivalries among children can be tamed and redirected toward positive outcomes. Its suggestions include: setting rules against name-calling, tattling, and all forms of physical aggression; getting to know each child's personality; not giving in to yelling and noise; refraining from pointing blame; separating and then reconnecting the warring parties; posting a schedule for shared resources; establishing family roundtable discussions; and seeking professional help when the conflict threatens the stability of the family.

Ehlert writes that parents can prevent sibling discord by recognizing each child's unique capabilities, acknowledging individual talents, celebrating differences, showing genuine enthusiasm for each child's activities, and acknowledging accomplishments without comparing them to those of other siblings. He also recommends that parents make an effort to see situations from each child's point of view.

Causes and Developmental Stages of Sibling Rivalry

Ehlert identifies the following as tell-tale signs of sibling rivalry: a child's complaints about unfairness; unprovoked aggression; avoidance of competitive activities the child previously enjoyed; and a noticeable drop in energy, interest, or frequent expressions of sadness related to those activities.

At the same time, Ehlert finds that some degree of sibling conflict can carry future benefits. He quotes Barbara Coloroso, author of Kids Are Worth It! Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline, who writes that a little sibling rivalry rehearses children for the conflicts of adulthood. However, it should also teach children to calm down and practice what Coloroso calls the Three R's: restitution, reconciliation, and resolution. A child who commits an aggressive act must attempt to make restitution, reconcile with the victim, and resolve not to repeat the misdeed.

Children and siblings fight over parental attention and favors, out of jealousy, over ordinary teasing, and as an outgrowth of the competitiveness of society itself. Contributing factors may also include birth order, gender, age, and — most significantly — parental attitudes of partiality and favoritism. Research in developmental psychology consistently points to the period before age three as the most vulnerable window, when a child's world centers entirely on the home and on the parents as primary caregivers, leaving the child with few cognitive or emotional resources to manage the arrival of a sibling competitor.

Sister–sister pairs tend to be the closest, while brother–brother pairs are often the most rivalrous. Sibling relationships are not static, however; they shift dramatically in response to major life events — illness, school transitions, marriage, or loss — that either draw siblings closer together or deepen the distance between them. Despite these fluctuations, siblings remain unique constants in a person's life, sharing a history that provides a stable reference point for self-understanding well into adulthood.