Emotional intelligence and coping with grief through loss stages

Emotional Intelligence

Humans are living longer today due to modern medicine, but death and dying are still mysterious concepts and the more humans understand and learn about dying and death the more enjoyable those final years will be. In fact dealing with the grief that is associated with the death of a loved one or family member is not always easy. Although everyone at one time or another goes through a grieving situation when someone close passes away, everyone goes through the "same cycle of emotions," according to the book the EI Advantage: Putting Emotional Intelligence into Practice (McBride, et al., 2001, p. 109). In this paper a review of ways to approach the death of a loved one using emotional intelligence, and also the subject will be approached through the rational choice theory.

Cycle of Emotions and Emotional Intelligence

McBride's book notes that when a dear friend or colleague has lost a family member, the best way to approach that recently bereaved person is to be very direct and frank. Losing someone is a "devastating experience," McBride writes, and there is no limit to the support and compassion the friend should offer to the bereaved. McBride (p. 110) explains the five stages of loss as shock, denial, anger, guilt/depression and finally, full acceptance.

Starting with "shock," the friend of the bereaved can use emotional intelligence by "acknowledging the feelings" and "showing you care." Hold the person, touch the person, allow the person who is grieving to "express whatever it is they are feeling" (p. 111). What should be said to the person? McBride suggests "I can see that you are very shocked. What happened?" Don't try to solve their problem, just be "their sounding board," McBride explains (p. 111).

Dealing with the grieving person's (stage 2) means being able to understand their sense of denial or disbelief of what has happened to them. McBride calls this stage a time of "numbness and disbelief" partly because the bereaved person does not want this occurrence "to be happening" and though this stage is temporary, "some people take a long time before the truth of the situation is fully appreciated" (McBride, page 111).

The third stage, "anger," is a "very common part of the grieving process" and very understandable. "There is always someone to be angry with," McBride writes on page 111. Maybe it is the doctor you are angry with, or the partner of the deceased for not staying with her, or maybe you are angry that the dead person did not take better care of himself. The "overwhelming feelings" are of being "irrational" and of course being "unhappy" -- but the point of this paper is that people need to learn in advance about the trials and tribulations that are associated with death and dying. The correct emotional intelligence response to be used here, according to McBride, is to acknowledge the person's right to be angry; "Anger is a response to something being wrong" and the sudden death of a loved one definitely seems wrong.

McBride's fourth stage is "guilt" and "depression" which follows the anger phase (p. 112). Why feel guilty? Because maybe the friend didn't urge the person to go to the doctor, maybe the bereaved person didn't pay enough attention to the friend prior to that friend's death and that can bring on guilt. The emotionally intelligent response to guilt and depression is to encourage the bereaved person to spend time around "optimistic people" and people who truly care (McBride, p. 112). Also, encourage the bereaved person to write out feelings, and "maybe use visualization" to put things into context and perspective.

The fifth stage is, finally, acceptance, which won't become part of the reality for the bereaved until the other stages have been fully worked through. Picking up the pieces and moving forward after the shock and the anger and the guilt is vital, but McBride says it may take up to two years to put things back into a normal path.

Emotional Intelligence -- a Deeper Look

Daniel Goleman writes that people who perform well in life and on the job, the "top performers," have emotional intelligence skills that are "synergistic with cognitive ones" (Goleman, 1998, p. 22). The more complex the situation, the more that emotional intelligence matters, Goleman insists, and the author gives an example of two Yale students, Matt and Penn. Penn was "brilliant and creative" and the problem was he was also aware of his exceptionalism and hence he became arrogant (Goleman, p. 22). On paper, Penn was far more appealing to a prospective employer than Matt was. Penn had job interviews with all the top companies in his field.

Matt, on the other hand was not nearly as academically exceptional as Penn was, and his interview offers did not match the high quality of Penn's interview offers. However, Goleman writes, Matt had emotional intelligence and "everyone who worked with him liked him" because he was very personable and gracious while Penn was crisp, coy, and noticeably sure of himself. So of the two Yale graduates, which one got the job offers after the interviews were ended? "Matt ended up with seven job offers out of eight interviews" and he went on to a rousing success in his field. Penn's first job ended shortly -- he was let go after two years on his first job. In other words, a personality that displays emotional intelligence is in a better position to succeed and help others than one without emotional intelligence. Dealing with death requires grace, understanding, flexibility and patience, all highlights of emotional intelligence. The same person that is fully confident in his place in the world, and has shown the best aspects of emotional intelligence, is also the person (like Matt, above) that will be able to cope with the death of a loved one, and will be a solid source of support for a friend who recently lost a loved one.

In Jane Wharam's book (Emotional Intelligence: Journey to the Centre of Your Self) the author admits that going through grief is "not a pleasant experience by any stretch of the imagination" (Wharam, 2009, p. 62). But when grief is the correct response, but the person denies the human emotions associated with grief -- "pushing it in a box and shutting the lid" -- that act can only lead to the storing up a lengthy list of "nasties" for the future (Wharam, p. 62).

Being dismissed coldly by a partner can be a bit like having a partner die, Wharam writes on page 62. And when you go through the grief of losing a sweetheart who has been with you for years, "being present in the emotion is the best way forward" even though it "just doesn't feel" right at the time.

Conclusion

Emotional intelligence can be implemented into any situation, especially a situation where death is involved. and, as this paper pointed out through the literature, emotional intelligence helps the sufferer understand why it is necessary to "cry…scream or get angry" when the shock of sudden loss hits. In the end, the emotionally intelligent person will be thankful that he or she did not ignore the emotions. Whether or not omens appear in dreams, when the loved one is near death, the steps that are taken to deal effectively with the situation can lift the spirits of those left behind, and help all concerned to grieve naturally and fully throughout the most painful moments.