Long-Distance Relationships and Interpersonal Communication

Introduction

Long-distance relationships can essentially go one of two ways: they can make relationships stronger and fortify the bond between people, or they can reveal that distance is too great an obstacle for the relationship to be sustained. One of the major factors in determining which way a long-distance relationship will go is interpersonal communication — specifically, what the two parties expect, need, and can deliver. If the distance prevents expectations and needs from being met, the interpersonal communication variable is likely to be negatively affected.

This paper explains how outcomes depend entirely upon the type of communication needed by the individuals involved and the nature of the relationship they have shared in the past. Distance is unlikely to be the only factor impacting interpersonal communication; however, it is the central variable this paper examines. In doing so, the paper demonstrates how long-distance relationships can both fortify and undermine interpersonal communication, depending on the people involved, what they expect, what they need, and what they are capable of delivering to each other.

Stories and Statistics

With the advent of social media, long-distance relationships have become more possible than ever before. The digital age allows for instantaneous communication and enables people to connect in a virtual world that differs significantly from the real world of face-to-face interaction. In a sense, social media interpersonal communication has replaced face-to-face contact for many people. As Dr. Paul Booth at the College of Communication at DePaul University of Chicago has noted, "There has been a shift in the way we communicate; rather than face-to-face interaction, we're tending to prefer mediated communication… We'd rather e-mail than meet; we'd rather text than talk on the phone" (Keller, 2013, p. 10). However, for some people social media interaction remains only a weak form of interpersonal communication (Keller, 2013). They prefer face-to-face intimate contact. They want the distance diminished. They look forward to the day when they are no longer separated — but until then, they try to maintain communication as best they can using digital devices and mobile phones.

It is not uncommon for this situation to arise, especially among young people. It is estimated that nearly 50% of college students who leave home for school will attempt to maintain a long-distance relationship while at college (Maguire & Kinney, 2010). How the individuals in a long-distance relationship respond to the challenges of being apart will determine the extent to which their interpersonal communication suffers or grows over time.

When Long-Distance Relationships Fortify Interpersonal Communication

Long-distance relationships fortify interpersonal communication when the individuals involved view technology as a means of enhancing their communication abilities and staying united even while apart. It also depends on the bond and level of commitment that the partners share (Farrell et al., 2015). As Farrell et al. (2015) point out, partners' humility, "as well as their levels of commitment to the relationships, relationship satisfaction, and forgiveness of their partners" are all factors that will impact relational outcomes and, consequently, the extent to which interpersonal communication is strengthened (p. 14).

Etcheverry and Le (2005) have also shown that commitment is a significant factor in determining how well partners in a long-distance relationship will prioritize interpersonal communication. A key aspect of commitment is how much each partner is willing to sacrifice for the other. In a long-distance relationship, one person might be content speaking with the other only a few times a week, while the other may want a phone call every evening, a FaceTime session, or social media posts that demonstrate continued connection despite the distance. If one partner is unwilling to set aside personal preferences to meet the other's emotional needs, interpersonal communication will inevitably suffer.

When long-distance relationships are treated as obstacles rather than challenges to overcome together, communication is likely to falter. Healthy long-distance relationships must be built on mutual respect and trust, and both partners must be committed to providing one another with the love and support each needs. That means being willing to make small sacrifices — posting pictures on social media, leaving comments, calling frequently, and demonstrating a willingness to maintain interpersonal communication using available tools regardless of personal convenience (Etcheverry & Le, 2005). That kind of commitment signals that beneath the physical distance lies a genuine bond of affection, warmth, and shared value.

It also reflects maturity and a realistic understanding of what the relationship requires. For younger people, such as college students, maturity is not always readily present. College students are on their own for the first time, lack experience in this area, and may not have adequate guidance on how to navigate such a complex relational situation. However, if they approach it with a mature and realistic perspective — knowing the relationship is worth maintaining — there is a strong chance they will use the tools available in today's digital age to stay connected, keep each other informed about their lives, and provide the support each person needs. When individuals express love and affection in ways that demonstrate selflessness, they naturally and organically fortify their interpersonal communication. Distance does not have to be a deal-breaker, and the tools of social media, phone communication, FaceTime, and similar platforms make it easier than ever to stay connected for those willing to embrace the distance as a challenge to overcome rather than a reason to give up.

As Johnson, Haigh, Becker, Craig, and Wigley (2008) demonstrate, even young people can use social media and email to manage their long-distance relationships effectively. Long-distance relationships, in other words, do not have to crush interpersonal communication — even when the relationships in question involve friends and family rather than romantic partners. The real risk, however, is greatest in romantic relationships, as these require more consistent and intimate interpersonal contact. Friends and family tend to be willing to pick up where they left off after periods of separation (Johnson, 2001). Romantic partners, by contrast, need reassurance that there is a shared future, and prolonged gaps in interpersonal communication can be seriously harmful to the relationship.

Conclusion

Long-distance relationships do not have to mean that interpersonal communication is going to end. If anything, the availability of digital and mobile technology has made it easier than ever before in history to maintain strong interpersonal communications with significant others across distances. In fact, as Maguire and Kinney (2010) show, many people today would prefer what feels like a long-distance dynamic, as they already prefer using social media and digital technology to communicate with friends, family, and loved ones rather than meeting face-to-face. This finding suggests that interpersonal communication need not be threatened by distance alone.

However, in order for long-distance relationships to work and to avoid undermining interpersonal communication, the partners involved must approach their relationship maturely and realistically. If they are aligned and mentally connected, they will recognize each other's emotional needs and be willing and able to meet those needs — by sending an extra email, texting an additional message, taking the time for a phone call, or acknowledging a post on social media. Ultimately, it is about committing to be present for the other person in the ways that person needs. Distance does not have to be an obstacle to that.

References

Etcheverry, P. E., & Le, B. (2005). Thinking about commitment: Accessibility of commitment and prediction of relationship persistence, accommodation, and willingness to sacrifice. Personal Relationships, 12(1), 103–123.

Farrell, J. E., Hook, J. N., Ramos, M., Davis, D. E., Van Tongeren, D. R., & Ruiz, J. M. (2015). Humility and relationship outcomes in couples: The mediating role of commitment. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 4(1), 14.

Johnson, A. J. (2001). Examining the maintenance of friendships: Are there differences between geographically close and long-distance friends? Communication Quarterly, 49(4), 424–435.

Johnson, A. J., Haigh, M. M., Becker, J. A., Craig, E. A., & Wigley, S. (2008). College students' use of relational management strategies in email in long-distance and geographically close relationships. Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication, 13(2), 381–404.

Keller, M. (2013). Social media and interpersonal communication. Social Work Today, 13(3), 10.

Maguire, K. C., & Kinney, T. A. (2010). When distance is problematic: Communication, coping, and relational satisfaction in female college students' long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Applied Communication Research, 38(1), 27–46.