Counseling and Telehealth Issues

Telehealth Counseling Transcript:

Intergenerational Issues with Grandparents

Hello! My name is X. It’s wonderful to meet you today. I understand the reason you have come here is due to some conflicts you have been experiencing with your mother regarding the raising of your daughter. Because you work long hours, and because your 10-year-old daughter Tina enjoys spending time with her grandmother, your mother often watches Tina when you cannot be with her when Tina comes home after school. However, you have had some concerns about how Tina is being raised by your mother.

For example, although you have not raised Tina within a specific faith, you say that you were furious that your mother discussed God and her Catholic religion with Tina. You say that you are afraid it will instill some of the guilt regarding sexuality that you had to cope with when you were growing up as a child. I know that your mother has warned Tina not to eat too many sweets for fear of getting fat, while you have tried to raise Tina without guilt regarding eating-related issues. According to the existing research, greater family satisfaction is associated with strong relationships with caregiving parents and grandparents (Goodman, 2003). However, you must address boundary issues with your mother, and discuss your concerns with your daughter in a positive fashion, without invalidating her relationship with her grandmother.

For example, if Tina brings up her confusion about what is true regarding religion, you can attempt to explain in an age-appropriate way your ideological differences between yourself and your mother. You can also use examples from school, to discuss how she might not be a member of some of her friends’ faiths, or agree with all of their opinions about different issues, but that does not mean she cannot still be friends or love them. I know you wish to affirm the need for tolerance of diverse cultures and religions when teaching your daughter that your mother may not always support (Stelle et al., 2010). Regarding food-related issues, you can affirm your belief in her worth and stress that it is not attached to what she eats, explaining how your mother comes from a different generation regarding her gender values.

It is also important to validate your good relationship with your own mother, and express thanks for her caregiving role. Rather than being angry at her and not addressing the issue, or only bringing up conflicts when they come to an immediate boil, discussing your concerns when both of you can sit down and engage rationally is critical. It is also better to keep your attention focused on the present rather than on the past, as the latter you cannot change. For example, rather than saying, “remember how you always criticized my weight and how angry that made me,” instead stress the need to provide a positive environment for your child and to offer her unconditional love and acceptance.

Remember that your mother is experiencing the aging process herself, and may be grieving the loss of certain aspects of her mobility, her life, and things that were dear to her. Instilling certain values that were important to her in her life in her granddaughter, like her religion, may be taking on added importance. Finding other traditions to pass on to your child that are not religious (such as teaching her how to cook, or going over family stories) might be one way to affirm to your mother that she is still capable of making a valuable contribution to society and to the world. I would like to meet with both you and your mother to discuss these issues next time.