Rebuilding marital communication after suspected psychopathic behavior

Improving a Personal Relationship

Identifying a Relationship

The relationship between my husband and I crossed my mind immediately I went through the details of this project. Like most people in my place, I definitely had no way of finding out what I was letting myself in for when I got involved with him. I wouldn't blame myself; he knew just how to play his cards. Not only was he interested in all aspects of my life, but he was also keen to ensure that he completely identified with me. We shared jokes, thoughts, and interests, and later got married. However, not long after, our relationship started assuming a different form. My life partner suddenly started becoming self-centered, and non-appreciative of my point-of-view. Things just had to be done his way. At first, I thought he was simply playing his role as the 'man,' but it all changed when I came across an online article about psychopaths. All the characteristics used to define psychopathic individuals therein: impulsiveness, irritability, manipulation, egocentrism, just to mention but a few, seemed to match his - the determination criteria outlined was, more or less, a confirmation. Convinced that individuals with such disorders would never change, I made up my mind to quit the relationship.

Once I expressed my intention to quit the relationship, he would have none of that. To save our marriage, he expressed his intention and desire to seek psychiatric, or whatever kind of help was necessary, to ensure that the said marriage did not fall apart. I, on the other hand, felt that the damage had already been done. The understanding and communication between us had totally deteriorated. However, somehow, I was convinced that he was determined to change.

After one and a half years of transformational therapy, characterized by frequent sessions three times a week, he came out totally unrecognizable from when he went in. He is more mindful of others' views, and better-endowed to control his own emotional reactions. The relation between us has since been getting better. I am determined to completely mend our relationship just as he is. I understand that in order to achieve this, I will need to re-construct those aspects that had been destroyed. I have attached great significance to this project because a favorable communication climate is one of the aspects that I intend to rebuild.

Part Two: Recognizing Room for Improvement

I wish to re-design this relationship, in such a way that it aligns itself to the aspects of proper communication. I intend to reverse the current tense communication climate, to one that provides companionship, relaxation, and affection. Martin Buber (as cited in Adler & Proctor, 2013), identifies two modes of human relations: the I-it, and I-thou. I am working towards changing the relationship I have with my husband from the I-it - characterized by excessive control, and persuasion, to the I- thou - which provides an opportunity to "explain our point-of-view, but ultimately, we respect the fact that others are free to act" (Adler & Proctor, 2013, p.13). As the authors further point out, communication helps in the satisfaction of a number of human needs: the physical, the identity, the social, and the realization of individual goals.

Relationships are considered more satisfying if they provide companionship. This is so, because better companionship enables better communication and better personal health (Adler & Proctor, 2013). Terry Anderson and John McCain, both former prisoners, recognize the importance of social relations, having spent years in isolation while in prison. Comparing this kind of isolation to death, McCain (as cited in Adler & Proctor, 2013) points out that "withdrawing in silence from the fellowship of other Americans…was to us, the approach of death" (p.5). Terry Anderson, having spent seven years in isolation, holds the opinion that it is more preferable to have the worst company, than none at all (Adler & Proctor, 2013). Additionally, researchers in the medical field have in the past linked good communication to good health. Studies conducted, in this regard, have established that people who socialize more are less susceptible to coronary disorders, cancer, and cold-related diseases such as pneumonia. This is in addition to reduced loneliness. Adler and Proctor (2013), however, recognize that adequate relationships appreciate the fact that "the quality of communication is almost certainly as significant as the quantity" (p.5). I want mine to be no exception.

Communication is essential for self-identification. As Adler and Proctor (2013) point out, relationships develop feelings of identity, and belonging. The authors use the example of the Aveyron Boy who, before he was discovered, lived wildly with no social interactions. The boy lacked both interactive skills and the human identity. Roger Shattuck (as cited in Adler & Proctor, 2013), notes that the 'wild' boy "had no sense of himself as a person, related to other persons" (p.6). A good relationship, therefore, is able to properly define an individual. In this respect, I would like a relationship that I would be proud to be identified with.

Communication provides a means for us to identify, not only with ourselves, but with others as well. This way, communication takes care of our social necessities. Adler and Proctor (2013) acknowledge the fact that there is a direct link between what they refer to as effective communication and healthy relationships. In the words of the authors, in a past research undertaking, "women reported that 'socializing' contributed more to a satisfying life than virtually any other activity" (Adler & Proctor, 2013, p.6). Communication, therefore, helps us develop the skills that foster our interaction with others. This not only enhances our adaptability to different situations, but also helps us develop empathy for people who matter to us (Kanu, 2011). Adaptability implies assessing a situation, then modifying behavior to appropriately fit into the confines of that particular situation. Empathy, on the other hand enables us to connect and understand the feelings and thoughts of others. Both adaptability and empathy boost the way we relate with others, and are key in the establishment of long-lasting connections. Since these connections are so vital, there are theorists who maintain "that positive relationships may be the single most important source of life satisfaction and emotional well-being" (Adler and Proctor, 2013, p. 6-7).

In addition to satisfying our identity as well as social and physical needs, effective communication is the best approach in the actualization of "instrumental goals" (Adler & Proctor, 2013, p.7). Restoring a comfortable, accepting, and safe communication climate is my goal at this time. I understand that better communication could effectively change a number of aspects. In order to realize this, I plan to make use of a number of concepts that I will identify in the subsequent sections of this text.

Descriptive vs. Evaluative Communication

Evaluative (judgmental) communication has the tendency to make people defensive. Evaluations can be positive or negative. However, even the positives would naturally invoke defensiveness "because they carry the relationship-level meaning, that another person feels entitled to judge us" (Wood, 2011, p.205). Communication that is descriptive, on the other hand, is less concerned about judging others and what they feel, or think. It simply describes what the speaker thinks. This kind of communication would naturally foster an accepting climate, as opposed to the anxious climate brought about by evaluations.

Provisionalism vs. Certainty

Certainty is communicated through dogmatic and absolute language, which suggests that that there is "one, and only one answer, valid point-of-view, or reasonable cause of action" (Wood, 2011, p.206). Certainty does not leave room for the consideration of others' opinions. Certainty in communication takes a number of forms. Ethnocentrism is the most common of these forms. In some settings, certainty discourages teamwork (Kanu, 2011). Provisional communication provides openness to the views of others -- something that consequently makes them feel valued and appreciated. Certainty, unlike provisionalism, creates a tense, disconfirming climate, since people see "no point in talking with people whose minds are made up, and who demean any point-of-view other than their own" (Wood, 2011, p.206).

Equality vs. Superiority

Superiority is conveyed in statements such as "if you had my experience, you wouldn't suggest that" (Wood, 2011, p.209). It is natural that people, in an attempt to guard their self-esteem, would avoid communicating with those who take pleasure in belittling others. Equality, on the other hand, is communication that treats people as equivalents, and creates a climate of acceptance. In this case, people get more involved, with no fear of facing inadequate judgment. In summary, "recognizing, acknowledging, and endorsing others, is the basis of healthy communication climates" (Wood, 2011, p.209). Confirming (healthy) climates, in turn, form the basis of healthy relations. Therefore, the concepts that I consider most crucial in my efforts to not only build but also sustain a favorable communication climate include: effective communication, assertion for one's self, respect for diversity, and positive response to criticism.

Effective communication entails choosing those types of communication that fuel healthy climates. This implies identifying and subsequently avoiding aspects of superiority, certainty, and evaluation, while at the same time embracing equality and tentativeness. Additionally, accepting and understanding dialectics helps in cultivating a culture that appreciates that "the friction between contradictory needs keeps us aware of our multiple needs and the importance of fulfilling all of them" (Wood, 2011, p.210). These aspects of effective communication, I believe, could see a shift from the current tense climate to a warmer and more accepting one, characterized by improved feelings of affection and companionship. While it is important to affirm other people, it is equally important to affirm oneself (Wood, 2011). My preferences and needs are as important as those of others -- including those of my spouse. According to Wood (2011), the principles aimed at improving relations do not "only concern how we behave towards others" (p.211). They also, in one way or another, "pertain to how we should treat ourselves" (Wood, 2011, p.211). It is, therefore, important that I learn to listen to all the relevant parties, including myself. I can only get others to confirm 'me' if I, descriptively, assert my opinion. A confirming climate takes into consideration the views of all parties involved. This will not only provide an opportunity for me to state my "feelings, and preferences while simultaneously respecting different ones," but it will also ensure that there is no room for deference and aggression (Wood, 2011, p.211).

It is important to recognize that dialectics will always cause relational tension. People's responses also keep varying. These are all consequences of diversity. The most effective way of dealing with this kind of change is experimenting using a variety of responses. For instance, in order to ensure that good climates are sustained, amidst these dialectic differences, it may be more effective "to satisfy your desire for openness by sharing certain topics, while meeting your need for privacy by not discussing other topics" (Wood, 2011, p.212). Favorable communication climates are built when people understand, and respect others' communicative patterns and choices. Further, judgmental statements (criticisms) could provide the stepping stone to realizing our weakness. A positive response to criticism could begin with trying to acquire more details to establish the reasons for such criticism, then reflecting on the said reasons in order to determine their validity. How you act thereafter depends on this reflection. A behavioral change may be necessary if the criticism is found to be valid. This kind of positive response will not only ensure a healthier relationship, but also greatly help in correcting our weaknesses, together.

Part Four: Taking Action and Reflecting

I have reason to believe that I have been able to achieve some notable improvements not only in the relationship with my spouse, but in other inter-personal relations as well -- particularly at school and in my neighborhood. At first, I had difficulties trying to embrace equality and provisionalism. However, with time and much effort, I found myself able to cope. I am still working towards embracing the other three skills, but a number of people - including my husband - have noticed some improvement, this far. Given more time and effort, I remain confident that I will have achieved my intended goals.